Why I'm glad I didn't kill my children.....

I have been blessed to have the opportunity to follow a young Mom's blog, and when I read her posts, I just laugh (with her....not AT her). I can so clearly remember those days of 4 little ones, no sleep, the need for coffee to survive, and the nagging question that would pop up into my head from time to time when I was ready to pull my hair out.."Why am I doing this??"

I'd like to say that I never killed my children because I knew it was the moral thing to do, but alas, I think I was just too exhausted to go through with it. I was a young Christian at the time, and I had no idea there was more to parenting than feeding them, clothing them, cleaning up after them, putting them to bed, and then figuring out a strategy to survive another day like the last. I also thought my goal in life was to get them educated enough so that they could leave home at 18 and be successful (whatever that meant.....). So, that's what I did...most days.

Thankfully, GOD placed some wonderful books, mentors, speakers, and conferences in my life so that I eventually saw a different vision for what it meant to be a parent. A vision where you strive to raise these gifts to love GOD completely - because they saw that YOU loved GOD completely. A vision where they knew how to have meaningful and deep, heart conversations with others because they had already been having those conversations with their parents. A vision where they would be trained and educated to leave my home to go out and successfully accomplish whatever GOD laid on their hearts to do. A vision where we would be friends for life and not just "family" on those major holidays. In fact, I listened to that young Momma I mentioned earlier as she spoke to a group of homeschool Moms one evening. The talk was given by her and her own mom on how to "Hold on to your child's heart strings". That idea of keeping that bond between my heart and my children's hearts was never something I had thought or heard about, and as I knew this family, I realized I wanted what they had with their young adult children.

This weekend, I'm especially thankful for that new vision because I'm reaping the benefits. My guys are off hunting for the weekend. My dear daughters and I are enjoying our Annual Ladies Only Hunt Weekend. No, we don't go hunting, but we do kill off lots of ice cream, coffee, junk food, chick flicks, and sewing projects. We laugh, cry, tease, listen, share, and enjoy our time together. We look forward to this weekend for months, and we savor every moment we have with just the gals (we even stay up much later than this old body seems to like!). It's a weekend that reminds me that I'm glad I didn't kill my children but killed those warped ideas I had about my role as a parent.

One movie we watched was Fools Rush In. I smiled as the couple was heading over to her family's home for their weekly family meal. There were aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, grandchildren - ALL the family. The young man was shocked as he saw everyone because his family might get together briefly for Christmas, and she was shocked because it looked like there were a lot missing!! I smiled inside as I could see our family doing something like that. The bond that family had was developed over years and years just as the lack of the family bond doesn't happen over night either. As I watched with my girls, I kept looking at them and remembering where my heart had been 15 years before. It was following the path of the world not the path that GOD laid out for us. 3 John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth." That is so very true, but even better is to be walking in the truth TOGETHER!!

If I had killed my children, I might be ready for parole in a few years. Instead, GOD saved me from that wretchedness and gave me a life sentence of joy and friendship that will go into eternity.

That's OK......or is it??

I was watching a young Momma with her little one (about 3 years). The child did something wrong, Mom corrected him, and when the child said "I'm sorry", Momma said, "That's OK." What?? Why was it not OK before, but now it's OK??

I do know that the Mom was trying to tell the child "All is forgiven, and we'll not bring it up anymore." My question is.....why don't we say, "All is forgiven, and we'll not bring it up anymore."???

When I was a young Momma, I did the same thing. When my little ones wronged someone (usually their other sibling), I tackled that situation with an iron fist. 1) Here's what you did wrong. 2) Now you need to apologize 3) Remind the offended individual know they are supposed to say "That's OK" 4) Pat myself on the back for another job well done in the parenting arena!! I know it was a sight to behold watching me in action....

Thankfully, GOD sent someone to straighten me out.

First, while it is good to point out what my little ones did wrong, my reason for doing so was to remind them they served a Holy GOD who had standards. If the incident was against HIS standard, I wanted them to know that, so I started "discipling" them (imagine that concept). If it was an incident that went against our family standards, then I wanted them to know that as well. I didn't want them to become adults thinking that something was sin because our family said so. I wanted them to know that sin was sin because GOD said so, but at the same time, I also wanted them to understand that some things we do because that's what we like - not because GOD said so. (You know, no burping at the table unless it's BBB night)

Second, I did not want them to apologize. Webster says this about apology:

"An excuse: something said or written in defense or extenuation of what
appears to others wrong, or unjustifiable;"

Ummm, maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't think there are too many cases where you can make an excuse for hitting your sister because she took your toy away. Seriously, though, I do know I'm splitting hairs here, but it did get me thinking about what I was doing. Was I really teaching them GOD's way or man's way when I told them to apologize for something they did wrong? Did I want them to learn to justify their bad choices, or did I want them to understand what THEY did wrong and how to make amends. For me, it was as simple as teaching them to ask for forgiveness.

The Psalmist teaches us in Psalm 79:9, "Help us, O GOD of our salvation, for the glory of Thy name; and deliver us, and forgive our sins, for Thy name's sake."

He doesn't apologize and try to justify to a Holy GOD why they did what they did. No, he asks for GOD's forgiveness. I realized that's what I needed to do and what I wanted my children to do as well.

Third, I had to ask myself why I wanted the offender to apologize for something when I've taught the offended to say, "That's OK." NO!! If it was OK to begin with, then why in the world did Momma just say to not do that?? OK. So, I'm a redneck at heart and a little slow....but I eventually catch on.....

If the offense was wrong by GOD's standard....and the offender needed to seek forgiveness.....then it only stands to reason that the offended needs to forgive. I get it!! I didn't want them to learn to just walk away from the situation, but I wanted them to know that when we wrong someone, they can actually still love us, forgive us, and desire to be in a relationship with us. I wanted them to learn that lesson with each other because that's what their faith would be built on. I knew that my dear children would offend GOD during their lives, but that HE will always be standing there with open arms waiting to forgive them, to love them, and to be in a relationship with them - no matter what. Jeremiah 9:17, "...But THOU art a GOD of forgiveness, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in loving-kindness; and THOU didst not forsake them."

Is it splitting hairs? I don't think so. I think there is a huge difference in apologizing and asking forgiveness. There are even times when you need to do both. "Honey, I'm sorry I was late. There was an accident on the freeway and traffic was stopped. Please forgive me for not being here when I said I would." Will that make a difference? You bet. How much nicer it is to have someone acknowledge that they've offended you. Then, how much nicer for the offender to hear, "I forgive you" instead of "That's OK" The offender knows it's not OK. So do you. If that's what we know as grownups, then why don't we start that lesson when they're little??

Take this to the next level.....how do we feel when we know we've offended GOD? Do we really feel better when we pour our heart out and 'apologize' to GOD and let HIM know WHY we did something - as if an omniscient GOD didn't already know. Or do we feel a relief and overwhelming outpouring of love when we repent and seek forgiveness knowing that GOD already promised to forgive us in 1 John 1:9. If that's how we feel, then let's help our children learn that feeling, too, because it's NOT OK......