Lessons are always very difficult to learn, especially for me. If I lived several hundred years ago, lessons could mean anything from Latin, Mathematics, History, or the type of lessons that applied to life -for example, Papa taking his son to the wood shed, giving him a spanking, looking at him sternly, yet kindly, and saying, "I hope you have learned your lesson."
For me, many of those lessons, school and life related, are difficult to learn, as they are for anyone. Math has never been my 'thing'. It takes lots of concentration and wearies my brain. However, God has gifted me in other areas of school that others, who might be good at math, are not good at.
One thing I struggle with the most, is taking criticism or reproof from someone, even my friends. When I write my books or stories, I hate the thought of someone telling me there is something wrong. When I clean the house, I don't like dear Mama coming in and saying I need to redo something. When my character is not as it should and I get impatient with my siblings, or angry at my parents and let my anger come out instead of battling it down, I hate to be told I am wrong.
The Lord has many ways He teaches me my life lessons. When I feel like I have been extremely patient and haven't gotten angry at my brothers, He finds a way to test and strengthen that patience. For instance, I thought I had been doing very well on my patience. I hadn't gotten angry with my brothers, or been short tongued with them. I was doing well! ('pride goeth before destruction'....)
Thursday afternoon comes, Mama and I are rushing to get me to choir on time. As we pull out of our mile long drive way, I realize we have a very bad flat. My brother was able to come to the rescue, but the result was being 30 minutes late. I will tell you my patience was sorely tested that day. I was very frustrated that I wasn't going to be on time for Choir. I had already missed last week's session, so I couldn't miss this one, let alone be late!
Yet, later as we were slowly driving down the road, I realized that God has a sense of humor when teaches us a lesson. Satan had me believing that I was donig well with my patience, though when I look back, I probably was very hasty with my hurtful words to siblings when I was frustrated, even though I thought I was in the right. God brought me 'round (or hit me on the head with a 2x4.. it left a nasty bump, by the way) through His mercy and Grace.
Mercy because He didn't use a dire situation to bring me to senses, but one that wasn't a matter of life or death. Sure, I was late to choir, but did it kill any body? You always feel sorry, sometimes, for characters in books who learn their lessons the hard way. I am thankful that the Lord didn't have to use a terrible situation to bring me around. Sure, it was only impatience, but I hope that by Him giving me small lessons here and there, He won't have to use harder ones later on because I will know His voice and will be able to recognize the situation with His help.
Another thing I struggle with is letting go. I like to have control. I like to have the security that things will go alright if I handle them (soft snort here..). I know many of you are chuckling, as I do after the Lord gives me lessons (notice the plural) on this subject. Yes, I have had many lessons on this subject. You would think that eventually I would get the picture. That suddenly it would hit me: Ah! If I give it to the Lord, it always turns out right!
However, this isn't the case. Perhaps it turns out
right, but it never turns out the way
I want it to. I often lose focus of the bigger picture. I forget that God is the Divine painter. He knows exactly how His magnificent art work will turn out. If a person were to walk into His studio, he would only see a huge canvas with paint splotted on it and different and obscure half pictures painted in random places. Pictures that didn't even seem to correlate with each other.
He has the finished picture fixed in His sight, and He knows what it will look like in the end. However, our little random friend does not, so he simply turns away from it
tsking to himself while thinking that The Painter has no idea what He is doing.
The Painter smiles sadly, but gazes at His work with loving eyes. He knows.
So, this is how I am. I am the person who tsks and shakes my head. What does He know? He doesn't know what our situation is. Besides, this is a small detail that He doesn't bother with. Yet, every painter must look upon every detail in order to make His picture just right.
And so this very thing happened just recently. I had a situation where everything was running smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. I cleared the bump, jolting my head against the ceiling of the car, and looked ahead. There were more bumps in the road! So many that it seemed like there would never be an end to them.
"Well," I thought to myself. "Perhaps if I speed over them quickly, I won't feel the bumps as badly." However, by doing that, I created more and more bumps. This time, not only were these bumps representing small scheduling matters, but people's feelings were at stake too. Now I had to stop. I carefully guided my vehicle around as many bumps as I could, though I still hit a few. Suddenly, looking up I saw miles and miles of bumpy road. As far as the eye could see!
"No! No, this cannot happen! I can make it. I can do this! I don't need help, I am quite capable to handling this on my own." I fumed to myself.
An angel appeared beside me in the form of my loving Mother. "Sarah," She gentle rebuked me. "Sarah, why do you continue like this? Do you not see that by continuing you are just making things worse? Why don't you just give this up to God?"
"Because I don't need to."
"But you do. You must let go of this and let God take care of it."
For weeks after this, still sitting in my car (don't worry, I don't die of starvation.. this is just a story any way.) I fumed and wrestled, wrestled and fumed. I gave it God, and just as promptly I took it back. This happened a number of times. Why did I take it back? Because just as I gave it to Him, Satan let the situation look better. "Aha!" I thought. "I can do this now, thank you for holding it, God, but I can take it now." I snatched it back and everything went wrong again. This happened, like I said, several times.
Finally, wearied of my long struggle, I gave it up, gladly. I no longer wanted the stress of it, the pain of it, the burden of it. Ok, perhaps I still worried a bit about it, and may have reached out a hand to take it again, but always God gently pushed my hand away, smiling as He did so, and saying, "I need this paint for the picture, Sarah."
Suddenly, on a day when I least expected it, the matter was cleared! The bumpy road was no longer bumpy because Someone carried me. Everything is going well because God is managing it, not the reckless Sarah who only sees a blotted canvas.
This may be a rather tiring naritive/story but I want to put into my head that God really does have things under control in every situation. No matter how sad or frustrating it may be to us, God sees it as another detail in His big picture. A simple stroke of the brush to create a beautiful landscape. A different color in His vibrant sunset.
Every person has gone through some trial, and as Christians we must have them. Bearing them is not easy, I can tell you that, and nor was it ever promised to be. However, God is with us all the way. He is carrying us, even when we don't know it. The pain we might feel for one day, God feels ten times worse!
When we face hard decisions, we know that God will lead us, even if one step at a time because we must learn to trust Him. Trust Him like a lamb trusts it's sheperd.
I am really only speaking to myself, but I also felt lead to share.
In Christ's amazing Grace,
Sarah
